Old Stuff
Bulletproof Monk (2003)
Directed by Paul Hunter
It was hard trying to catch a nap during "Bulletproof Funk", not because it was that good, but because it was that bad. It was worse than sitting through a badly translated kung fu film. I should have known when I saw that Paul Hunter, a music video director, was responsible for this Canadian ghetto version of "Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon". Paul Hunter and his producers (which include John Woo) must have pitched this film like an ace pitcher after reconstructive surgery. Chow Yun-Fat is "no name" (a rip-off of the Clint Eastwood movies), a martial arts monk during the W.W.II/Nazi era. The monastery's master gives "no name" longevity and a sacred scroll that looks like an ornate toilet paper roll. "No name" must protect the roll because if it falls into the wrong hands, unlimited power would be their's (like "Raiders of the Lost Ark"). The Nazis invade the Canadian Buddhist monastery and Indy... I mean, "no name" flees to the future. We jump 60 years to contemporary Canada where Fat looks for a sucker-ass protege, Seann William Scott, to pass the toilet paper... I mean, sacred scroll to so he can go on a presumably well deserved permanent vacation.
This unlikely team-up is just as it seems. We're hitting a "Canadian Dragon Hidden Plot" in the face with a dirty "American Pie". Though "no name" Fat seeks to pass the toilet paper to the next stall, the script has a hard time making any sense of it, complete with appalling dialog to cement the relationship between East-meets-pie-crust. "Bulletproof Monk" then introduces an ass-kicking Russian mob daughter (James King) to fill-in as Seann Scott's love interest in another unlikely match without chemistry (she would use this goof-ball as a toothpick). But the end-all is when the Nazi commander from the beginning of the story is reintroduced as a decrepit and wheel chair-bound archenemy. As we all know, nothing is more sinister than an invalid. The old Nazis totes his fine-looking Aryan daughter along to do all of his dirty work (just like "Indiana Jones & the Last Crusade"). The dirty work unfortunately was the paper this script was smeared on. The old Nazis dude wants the scroll to restore his youth and to achieve world domination (meine fuhrer!).
So who do you blame this wickedly inept movie on? First you have to start with the producers adapting the Flypaper Press comic book ($2.00). Then you have to blame MGM for attaching a first time director (Hunter) to direct a 52 million dollar flick. His strongest credit is directing the Lenny Kravitz music video "American Woman". Paul Hunter stumbled into a bear trap. Few music video directors make the leap from "visuals only" to "story and plot". Michael Bey, F. Gary Gray, and Brett Ratner made the transition, but the bear trap swallows another victim with Hunter's booty-fodder of a first feature film. Producers of "Monk" profess that the special effects were created by Boy Wonder Effects (Burt Ward is responsible for the effects in this flick -- I kid you not). These too were unimpressive and couldn't defibrillate this flat-liner. Don't waste your time. I'm zipping up the body-bag, now, so move along, there's nothing to see here. -- Rating: $0.24
Edgar Allen Balzac -- copyright 2003