Dirty Dan's Korner
Welcome to "Dirty Dan's Korner". "Dirty Dan" is a connoisseur (connoi-sewer?) of straight-to-video softcore, "pink" movies. If you are easily skeeved-out, please, SKIP HIS REVIEWS! -- Otherwise, enjoy "Dirty Dan's" evaluation of movies that are the male equivalent of women's romance novels. In other words, the sex without the romance. It ain't pretty. Of course, all of "Dirty Dan's" opinions are his own. Ick...
Different Strokes (1998)
Directed by Michael Paul Girard
Starring Dana Plato, Bentley Mitchum, Landon Hall
The King of all media, Howard Stern, has a well known formula for success and it's called lesbians, lesbians, lesbians. "Who knew that it took talent to make such a simple concept work", asked the makers of "Different Strokes". I guess that's why it is said that ideas are cheap, because with out the talent to follow through you get stroked.
Jill is a clothing designer/photo stylist and looking for happiness in the arms of her new lady friend, I think. Nothing is for sure here, but who cares, this is just "plot", and that's not why anyone would be watching this. The clothes in this flick are abysmal, of course, but the characters talk about Jill's designs like it's Versace. Jack (Bentley Mitchum -- dear god man, if you have any respect for the dead you'll change your name now) is a photographer and he is the best at what he does. All these morons are supposed to be the best at what they do, of course. Jack is an overbearing, oversexed fuckwad that would like nothing better than to get his gorgeous girlfriend Jill, and her skanky new friend, also Jill (played by real life skank Dana Plato), into a menage a trois. Jill (Landon Hall) is a knockout brunette who acts on her cunnilingus curiosity because she cannot find love and affection from her asswipe boyfriend, hence the too stupid for words original title of "Jack and Jill and Jill", a triangle with no corners.
Plato's recent headline grabbing crash and burn prompted the producers to change the title to "Different Strokes" in an atempt to cash in. As you probably know, the former child star was arrested recently for robbing a Blockbuster, evidently to support her crack habit. She was easily identified by the clerk she had held at gunpoint because as it turns out, Plato was a regular customer. What can one say?
Speaking of big messes, as the cliched opening shot suggests, an airplane landing is just the way any good porn film should start. I'm left dazed and confused. What are they trying to do? Tell a story? Dear God, I think they're trying to sell us a lesbian message movie without any sexploitation, or real message for that matter. Shame on them. For those of us who love lesbian sexploitation films, and we are many, what we want are fake lesbians acting out the male (mostly) fantasy of woman-on-woman LUV. Instead, what we get here is hand holding and picnic strolls with very little nudity and fade-outs when sex finally does show up.
Knowing our not-so-young felon, crackhead starlet, Dana Plato, she could have been coaxed into just about anything just to secure her next fix. What this should have been was a raunchy, beaver buzzing, pearl diving, career ending leap into the abyss, farewell to Plato. This crud doesn't do anymore for real lesbians than it does for the hard-up (me). If the "filmmakers" wanted to make a political statement, that's one thing, but that's really not it at all. This was clearly put out as an exploitation piece O'crap. If I'm sounding crass, well, isn't that the point? It, and I, are supposed to be dirty and disgusting! Add these to the list; insolent; bold; shocking; insulting; and contemptuous! Now, that would be something see!
I was duped, we all were duped. It was the old trick of bait and switch. You think you're getting one thing and you get something else. No guy, or lesbian for that matter, wants to pick up a lesbian sexpoitation film and see this. Or not see it... you know what I'm saying. Let's proclaim the last Monday in May to be Say-No-to-Lesbianless-Lesbian-Film Day! We can all make a statement by taking off from work, cutting class, getting out of the house and having as much fun as possible. On this day we'll all go to the beach, spend time with family and friends at a barbecue, go out drinking and getting laid (straights, lesbians and gays) and then drinking some more. Perhaps in your drunkin' stupor you'll yell out "I'm not going to take sexless lesbian sexploitation films anymore!" I think this is something we can all get behind. On this joyous day we will all be united in our love of visceral lesbian sex films done for completely gratuitous and exploitative reasons. Now, let's see if you support me by celebrating on the last Monday in May! –- Rating $0.69
Dirty Dan -- copyright 1998 Hollywood Outsider