Old Stuff
The Mummy Returns (2001)
Directed by Stephen Sommers
Between Las Vegas and Los Angeles there is a stretch highway that is straight and flat and goes on for mile after empty mile. You can be speeding along at over 100 miles an hour and feel as if the car you're in is standing still. "The Mummy Returns" manages to be the movie equivalent of this sensation. The pace is full on, pedal-to-the-metal from the first frame to the last but like Einstein said, it's relative. When you have all peaks and no valleys, when you're on a roller coaster that only goes up, where's the thrill? There can be no up without a down, big without small, or fast without slow.
"The Mummy Returns" starts with an ancient apocalyptic battle between The Scorpion King (WWF wrestler The Rock) and some no-name Egyptian army. He loses the battle but makes a pack with the devil (or whatever) and trades his soul for the power to conquer the world. Cut to: "the present" (10 years after the time the last movie took place - 1930 something) and himbo Brendan Fraser is excavating a magical gold wristband with a misused Rachel Weisz (who has sworn off doing another mummy movie) and their cute as a button brat (Freddie Boath). A rival group of excavators dig up the evil mummy Im-Ho-Tep (Arnold Vosloo) again, and go about the task of breathing life into the old bag of rags. Not too surprisingly, the rival group of excavators turns out to be an evil cult devoted to the worship of Im-Ho-Tep. They go after Fraser, Weisz and their brat because the magic wristband will show the wearer the location of The Scorpion King's secret oasis. Im-Ho-Tep plans to revive and kill The Scorpion King then lead The Scorpion King's invincible army of jackals to conquer of the world (?). Whatever...
All this crap takes place in, like, the first minute of the movie and it only becomes more convoluted and bigger after that. It's packed with CGI and makes "Star Wars Episode 1's" computer work look downright restrained and minimal in comparison. Some of the FX are absolutely stunning, some embarrassingly bad. The worst CGI effect is The Scorpion King at the end of the movie - a completely cartoony synthesis of The Rock with a giant disney-esque scorpion. The effect is somewhat less than frightening. It puts me in mind of the CGI tiger in "Gladiator" or Satan in Todd McFarlane's "Spawn". CGI is still not up to sustaining lifelike creatures in shot after shot - be it a hairy tiger or a beefy pro-wrestler fused with a scorpion. It's more effective in filling out the ranks of rampaging hordes or filling out the blank parts of a missing lost world.
I saw the first "Mummy" (1999) on a hot weeknight with a family crowd composed of mostly Egyptians in my local Astoria movie theater. A short walk from this theater is a mosque and a bunch of Egyptian restaurants with patrons drinking strong coffee and smoking from bubbling water pipes. This crowd absolutely loved the movie and I'll always remember it as one the best crowds that I ever watched a movie with. Was "The Mummy" a great movie? Fuck no, but it had certain energy and part of the reason was Rachel Weisz. In "The Mummy Returns", Weisz is relegated to having the kissing bug with useless Fraser. They act more like newly weds than a couple that's been married ten years. This might sound dumb but the sequel violates its characters. I know it's not Shakespeare but still, Bugs Bunny is a smart ass, the Wiley Coyote is a pompous bumbler and Evie (Weisz) in the first "Mummy" was established as a brainy and brave klutz.
"The Mummy Returns" tries to change Weisz into a fighting machine by making her the reincarnation of the daughter of the pharaoh murdered by Im-Ho-Tep. There is a flashback of a ritual fight between Weisz (as pharaoh's daughter) and Patricia Velazquez (reprising her role as the pharaoh's unfaithful favorite of favorites). Weisz does a credible "Xena" impression with her fighting skills but is mainly wallpaper throughout the film. On the flip side, former SI swimsuit model Patricia Velazquez gets the chance to turn in a nicely malicious performance as the reincarnated concubine and would-be co-ruler of Im-Ho-Tep. Unfortunately, her character is also violated by having her turn into a coward. Is it credible that the strong willed concubine that murders her master then kills herself for her lover would lose heart when brought back to life by that same lover? Freddie Boath is luckier by being consistently annoying as Fraser and Weisz's kid and has some of the best scenes as he torments his captors as they drag him around the Egyptian desert.
Of course, the best scenes involved minimal FX and relied on the characters being interesting and clever. I would like to have been a fly on the wall during script meetings for "The Mummy Returns". Were there any ideas that they rejected: "Hey, I know, we can throw in another bad guy called 'The Scorpion King'! And, Rachel Weisz can be the reincarnated, bad-ass daughter of the murdered pharaoh from the first movie! And the heroes can run into an army of pygmy mummies in The Scorpion King's oasis! And we can throw in a dirigible that has rocket boosters to get the heroes out of trouble!" Yikes!
Sometimes, less is more. If you're going to see "The Mummy Returns" then see it on the big screen to get the most out of the action and effects. It's not going to translate very well to the small screen. This flick is for connoisseurs of crap only. -- Rating: $2.50
Tom Graney -- Copyright 2001 Hollywood Outsider